Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
