i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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