I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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