Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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