Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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