so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
