nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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