When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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