Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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