Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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