8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
