I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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