so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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