Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
