You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize