I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
