Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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