No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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