It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
