Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
