We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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