The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
