This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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