Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
