Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
