My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
