i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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