I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
