We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
