Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We left the knife in your bed.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
