We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
