I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
