where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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