I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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