the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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