I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
