im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you made out with another girl for some wings
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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