John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
