I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
