I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
