im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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