Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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