woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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