I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize