my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dear god my vagina.
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