booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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