Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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