Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
