Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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