My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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