Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
