Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
