after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
