Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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