i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
