I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
