And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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