Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
